Thursday, January 22, 2009
I tried dateing. I tried being casual. But frankly I diden't get what I ultimatly wanted out of the stiuation: a life partner. Someone who is a friend as well as a lover. I'm tired dateing and of getting attached to people and then having them say once they actually know me that they arent intersted in being with me never to speek to me again. Its horrible to have people 'get to know you' and decide not to like you.
So I decided it might work better to have the 'get to know you' bit BEFORE the 'dateing'. Much less opertunity for heartbreak. No sex. No dateing, unless I know the guy and he knows me and he is willing to actually say "I want to spend the rest of my life with you".
It might not work but this way I won't be seeing or dateing anyone that I am not absoultly sure of how they feel.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
I used to believe that there was some magic bullet that would fix me. And make me feel better. I felt really shitty most of the time. I was sick a lot and horribly depressed. So its not too surprising that I just wanted to feel better without too much difficulty After all I barley had enough energy to make through a day so there wasn't a lot left over for getting healthy.
This book really reflects that mind set. Even though the doctor is really forward thinking in his ideas about people and depression. He found that anti depressants have side effects that can completely ruin the good effects of the drug so he set about finding a way to help his patents to live healthy lives and not be depressed or overwhelmed by antidepressant side effects.
He dose this with diet and exercise but the things that he suggests are kind of against my nature. No sugar. No caffeine. No fat. No bread. He suggests eating yogurt and granola and a whole bunch of other foods I find really gross.
I know what he suggests is healthy but my very nature rebels against this. I have tried to make myself eat things I don't like. It makes me miserable and I ended up eating even worse afterwords. So instead of exclusion diets I started including foods that I like that are 'better' than the foods I usually eat. So that I have better choices available. Instead of eating cookies I eat salmon. Instead of of store bought pizza I make my own. I make my own homemade bread. Because its better for me (store bought bread is indigestible) and it tastes better too. This makes it so I eat better because I want to eat better. I don't have to fight myself.
So I decided this book had a lot of good things in it. I really do need to do more exercise. But I think I will stick with my diet and get a different book.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
A lot of my life revolves around food any more, and a Friend of mine said that I should post about my relationship with it. She thinks I'm hilarious with my 'food fear' as I call it. So I will start from the beginning.
Apparently when I was a baby I was perfectly normal. My parents had me on partial solids within six months and I would try anything. But then my mom had to go back to work and I had to go to daycare. After that I went back to breast milk. After that I would only eat saltines and I actually remember not wanting to try new things. I remember how frustrated everyone was with me. But even so I couldn't bear anything with any flavor, and no matter how much I wanted to please others and just eat stuff, I couldn't get anything past my nose.
After saltines I discovered bread and from bread I worked my way up to peanut butter and french fries from there to ketchup and from ketchup to pizza. Which turned me on to cheese and from cheese I worked my way over to chicken. Somewhere along the lines I started eating carrots and grapes but only green ones. And lettuce was okay but not tomatoes. I liked mac and cheese and I would eat fondue and chocolate. I didn't like liquorish or taffy I wouldn't drink anything carbonated. I would sometimes nibble on cauliflower and sometimes I would go half a day or more not eating anything just because nothing appealed to me. My dad always said that if I got hungry enough I would eat. Apparently I never got hungry enough. I wouldn't eat things I LIKED sometimes just because.
Now I know that it wasn't about the food at all. I just felt overwhelmed. By everything. It was loud and hot and cold and people were always talking and things smelled and after awhile it all became just too much. I had to stop some of the input and the only way I knew how was to not eat. It wasn't cause I hated the world or I had an eating disorder. Well obviously had a eating disorder but it wasn't about food it was about life. I often misplaced feelings this way as a child. I hated math because I couldn't read. Makes no sense until you find out that I had to read my homework assignments. For an entire year I did the wrong math assignment every night and got told that I was lazy even though I had spent two or three hours working on it. I didn't know I couldn't read I though it was because I was bad at math. I had been told by previous teachers to 'look at the first letter of each word and guess' I was really good at guessing. Too good. I could read people like books so when I read aloud I read the teacher not the book.
So back to food. I had displaced my discomfort with the world on food. Probably because that was the only control I had over my environment. Remember I was a kid. It never occurred to me that things could change. As far as I was concerned things were the way they were.
The difference with food was that it didn't happen to me. I had to do something to have it happen to me. And this was a difficult thing for me, because I was pleaser. I liked to make people happy. I didn't like to argue or yell or cry or make people mad, but food really scared me. And having to put things into my mouth when I didn't know what they were was very unpleasant. I had to fight not only myself and my gag reflex but other people every day about food. I found that horribly distressing. And eventually I began to hate to eat because it was such a struggle.
How did that change? It was a long process started by my friend Emily who made me try things that she thought I might like. She was really good at it. This led me to many new foods but I was still known for my aversion to food. I still hear jokes about my white diet.
I started to cook because I was pour and I needed to stretch my money. I found that if I knew everything that went into a food I was much less scared of putting it in my mouth. I was doing great but then I had a lot of stress put on me in my life. Due to forces outside my control and I didn't notice at the time but I can actually correlate my regression in what I would eat to stress in my life. It got to a point where I was subsisting on crackers and cheese and white bread with butter or peanut butter. As you can imagine I was not healthy.
Then I moved back to Pullman. Seeing how my mom ate kind of made me confront my own diet and I started to try to get her to eat better, which in turn made me eat better.
It was a real process to get where I am. But I don't embarrass people anymore when I eat at there house and I can eat out at restaurants even Mexican ones.
This helps. but sometimes when I get scared or anxious I start falling into my old food patterns. I have to remind myself that not eating food isn't going to fix the fear problem and that I still need to eat. Actually knowing that the food I eat is good for me and the earth really helps me make better choices even when I'm upset.
After reading a lot of books about the environment and how food effects health. Surprisingly what is good for my health is also good for the environment. The fewer processed foods I eat and the more whole local food I eat the better I feel and I can feel good about my impact on the world as well. This gives me the incentive to make the extra effort to eat well. To over come my food fear and to eat better. Mostly for myself but also for the planet.
Monday, January 12, 2009
I know this picture ient great but it has a view of the back of my head.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I went threw my childrens books and found a handfull that I am thinking I might donate to the library. Although most of them are paperback and I belive that they have to bind childrens books so that they don't fall to peices from all of the abuse. Thats kind of expencive for them I think so they may not want them. I will have to check.
I checked the catilog and made sure that the books I was thinking of donating the libray didn't already have. For some reason when I found out that the libray had two of them I diden't want to give them up anymore. It was odd that I could give them to the libray where I was sure that they would be read and probably abused but not to a book store where they would probaly be bought and have a good life. I decided to keep them.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
I have been thinking baout a scale. Mostly for sending out my writing. it really a paint to have to go to the post office and explain evey time that you need to them to wiegh the letter and then you need two sets of stamps one for outside and one for the SASE inside. A scale would fix that. Just wieght the thing and Voila! That is not enough though. Really I only send out one or two envelopes a week so 50 bucks is a bit steep for what basicly amounts to a toy. However I was reading this
And he talks about how scales are easier for measuring and faster and better. He recomends this scale that he bought.
I looked around and it seems like a good one. I like the idea of a non electric one (what if the oil runs out) but I can't see useing a balence scale if you have to change the wight a lot. It would be slow. Although I supose you just set the bar at one spot and the pile stuff on until it gets to the right balence. You could just mesure one wight all the time with it and use mesuring cups for everything else.
I also want a new pair of sewing sissors and a copy of Garden State on DVD. I love that movie and my sissers are going funny. I really am a greedy american huh?